expectations…
there is an expression (well, its either an expression, a truism or a proverb) that goes something along the lines of “your first million is the hardest to make, thereafter its easy…”
i completely disagree.
i applied the theory to my blog posts. i wrote my first post fairly easily. some creative spurge from somewhere deep inside of me unleashed itself on my keyboard and a few minutes before bed there it was. BAH!
the second post has taken quite some time to write. in fact, i have battled so much, i am now writing about how difficult it was for me to find something to say (well at least it’s giving us something to talk about)
i think it all really comes down to that rather nasty word – expectation, the “a belief that someone will or should achieve something”, according to the F12 key on my keyboard. my expectation of what i thought this blog should be and what it’s humanly possible to deliver appear to be at odds with one another. my biggest fear is that this beautiful sacred cyberspace i have staked out as my own is going to turn into white noise — too much information about nothing. the idea that you should keep your mouth shut if you dont have anything interesting to say does not really feature in cyberspace. and even as i write these insecure ramblings i am aware that i am doing the very thing of which i was afraid… i wonder if there is such a thing as information pollution?
my dilemma has been where to go from post 1? it must be meaningful, interesting, relevant and preferably not too much ego. i always find the latter a chore, especially when its someone else’s ego. in true rowena style, i have yo-yoed from one topic to the next. i have been at my computer for days now torturing myself — and unfortunately those around me – in search of the perfect subject matter, like a dog chasing after its own tail. in a moment of desperation, i pulled out all my old boxes filled with diaries and letters, small mementos from the past. anything that might give me a clue and as luck would have it, two fortunate things happened.
firstly, i was accused of being a spectator in cyberspace by my ex’s mother. to be fair, i said the words before she did. but the more i thought about it, the more the shoe seemed to fit. in my opinion, this is probably the worst thing i could possibly be labeled as online, because the only person here now is me (and my computer). in fact until yesterday, i had never actually clicked “Like “under anyone’s post. I cant actually believe i am admitting this on the internet! I should be telling my therapist this, definitely not all you millions of people who will hopefully come and read this ridiculous confession.
my ex’s mom felt neglected because i never comment or like anything on her page. in some respects, it just never occurred to me to even click the “Like” box. yet, when i upload a new album to my photo galleries, the most exciting part is waiting for my notifications from people liking or commenting on my pictures. hmmm, ex’s mom was definitely onto something here…
i think my failure to “Like” things on facebook is similar to the way i am in real life. i never compliment anyone unless i really think someone deserves it. and i am very weary of those who offer compliments too quickly or too often, even when they apparently REALLY mean it. at least i am a sure bet! if i “Like” it, it must be fuckin’ amazing!
the second thing that happened was my sister having to watch me in the middle of this mental mess. she facetimed me from england and eventually, unable to listen or watch me change my mind yet again, she suggested I pretend that my blog is just for me. in other words, kid myself into thinking the rest of the world is not out there. oooh, i love things like that! i am a specialist in self-deception. i often pretend something is not the way it really is and then when i discover the truth i am amazed i did not see it earlier. her small adjustments to my view of “reality” helped me drop the expectation of what I should, could and have posted about. in the end, i have now written blog post 2. it’s not brilliant. it’s not fancy either, but it’s done.
oh, one last thing.
i had to go back to the beginning, as usual, and remind myself why i even started this blog in the first place – i want to show people my pictures. for some bizarre reason people born on the 20th of may have a strange fascination with bodies, their own and that of others. i thought it apt to start with a small collection of images on this very subject. i have no real idea why i am fascinated by “the body” itself. perhaps because we are all so different and in some ways the body can be seen as a separate entity to a person. if i took the me out of me, i would have this shell where me used to be. a bit like a snail… i think that’s what it is. their home is on their back so they never really live anywhere, except where they are. that’s me in a nutshell.
blog post 3 here we come!
the good the true and the beautiful 